This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
