Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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