are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I need a beard to bite.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
