can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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