one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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