I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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