"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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