Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
