Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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