just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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