So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
