don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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