When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
