he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
