she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
