nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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