your thong is hanging out like whoa
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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