We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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