the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
