I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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