Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
