I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
