Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
