you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
