ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
