well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
do nipples grow back?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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