so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
