I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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