Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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