I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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