my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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