The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
A bitchslap is in order.
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