Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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