apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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