I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
