Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
