New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
