you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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