3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
