I'm really into asian looking animals
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she woke up with a sticky ear
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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