JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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