I want to make a zoo with you.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
