1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
