I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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