Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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