Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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