1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I cannot find my penis.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
