On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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