Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
