and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
