You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
