You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
