I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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