sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
