I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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