i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
