Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
