What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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