im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
