he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
